How to accept the imperfect yourself
Strive for the better – good. It is bad when the aspirations turn into unrealistic expectations: to succeed in everything, everyone likes it, always do the right actions and say the right words. How to deal with perfectionism?
Psychotherapist Sharon Martin talks about how to learn how to love and accept himself as you are.
Perfectionism is a rather popular word. We use the term to feel our significance and regain control of the situation. But expecting from ourselves and others the impossible, we inevitably doom ourselves to disappointment.
Unsatisfied expectations and the pursuit of perfection cause a whole set of problems: we harshly criticize ourselves, find fault with others, conceiv ourselves in a non -bend, we will turn off from work, we cannot relax, we don’t want to try a new one, we are afraid of failure. Add obsessive thoughts, anxiety and depression here ..
For most of us, the problem of perfectionism is “originally from childhood”. Many grew up in unstable families, many lacked predictability and sense of safety. We tried to be perfect to avoid criticism, rejection and anger. We thought that we should be impeccable to earn love.
Perfectionism root – shame
Shame is a feeling that we are worse than the rest. This feeling develops if parents in childhood treated us as if we were bad, worthless, unable to anything. In adulthood, we are trying to compensate for this shame, pleasing to others and trying to become “perfect”. We do not tolerate imperfections in ourselves and others, not acceptable errors and misconduct, but this only enhances the feeling of loneliness and alienation.
We consider errors and failures to proof of insolvency, and people who are not characteristic of perfectionism, perceive them as something granted. They discuss difficulties with friends and relatives and strengthen ties with them.
Perfectionism does not increase self -esteem
It would be logical to assume that people who are focused on achieving goals work a lot and achieve a lot, distinguishes high self -esteem. In fact, this is not the case. Perfectionists strive for perfection precisely because they are not confident in themselves.
Perhaps you have thought: “I’ll lose weight 10 kg and life will get better” or “I would only have another prestigious
work …” to set realistic goals perfectly, but happiness and self -esteem should not depend on achieving these goals. You need to try to find a middle ground between self -improvement and acceptance of yourself. Finally admit that they are valuable on their own regardless of merits.
How to get rid of perfectionism and accept yourself
1. Reduce the bar of expectations
Expecting perfection from ourselves and others, we are disappointed again: no one can live in accordance with our high standards. We are adamant in our expectations and do not want to abandon them. But for the sake of our own well -being, it is time to admit: we expect from ourselves and others the impossible. The only way to be satisfied with life is to bring expectations to reality.
2. Follow thinking
Perfectionists tend to think on the principle of “everything or nothing”: “I am either successful, or a loser”, “I am either a beauty or a ugly”. But between extremes, as a rule, a lot of other options. The thinking of perfectionists is also distinguished by excessive generalizations, dramatization and hope for a wonderful resolution of problems subject to certain conditions (for example, “I will be happy when I move to a new apartment”).
3. Smile off with failures
The only way to become something better is to try, to endure failures and try again, focusing in the lessons that can be learned from errors. Failure is an integral part of success. So, instead of avoiding failures, accept them as part of your journey.
4. Forgive yourself
Perfectionists are usually very strict to themselves, but criticism and shame only kill motivation. You need to learn how to forgive yourself for imperfections and errors. Think about forgiveness as a process: you need time and practice to change the critical model of thinking to the accepting. More often remind yourself that no one is perfect, from time to time is mistaken.